Guacamole Bomb

Avocados are in season. By that I mean, California's seasonal crop of perfectly ripe Haas avocados is on the market shelves, and the fruit can be had for a buck per - less, if you find them on the roadside. Ergo, we're ordering in from one of our favorite local taquerias, mainly to acquire the means of transferring the vat of guacamole I'm making from the bowl to boca.

Guacamole, for me, has many optional elements, but there are, as ever, several rules that ought always to be respected:

• First, accept that 'guac' is seasonal. Please don't tell me about the ones from Florida, or the dubious merits of the aguacate so common further south. Only the proper Haas develops the fat content that is so essential to the texture of great guacamole.
• Second, don't get it from a restaurant. I don't care how good your taqueria is, I assure you, they make crappy guacamole. I'm sure there is the exception that proves the rule, but seriously, it is significantly cheaper, and takes almost no time, to produce a vastly superior guacamole at home.
• Third, some components are optional, and some are not: Take cilantro, for instance; for me, it's essential, but my wife hates the stuff, and so I've learned to make a passable version without it. Tomatoes are optional, but never too many, and only if they're at the peak of summer ripeness - there is no more common offense than the bulking up of an otherwise fine avocado with too much mediocre tomato. I believe that a little red onion is close to mandatory, but you could probably skip it. Chilies are an interesting question: I, for one, do not believe that guacamole needs to be spicy (although certainly finely minced, fresh jalapenos make an unimpeachable addition). Lime juice, on the other hand, is not optional: Not only is it essential in maintaining the color of the final product, but the dish really cries out for a little acidity, particularly in the absence of heat.

5-Minute Kick-Ass Guacamole

1. Mince whatever condiments you're going to use before dealing with the avos (keeps them from oxidizing unnecessarily - brown guac is just nasty). A good baseline is to have on hand a tablespoon each of finely-diced red onion, tomato, cilantro, and jalapeno for each avocado. (Please take the time to mince the tomato and especially the onion and the chili pepper quite finely and uniformly, it makes a huge difference in the end.). Slice and seed a lime into sections.
2. The unlikely PK addition: Garlic. Cut a small amount of garlic - you'll want to end up with a quarter or an eighth of a teaspoon of garlic paste per avocado - and mince it very finely. To turn it into a paste (which is essential in order for it to incorporate properly), sprinkle a good pinch of kosher salt over the garlic and drag and press the flat side of a knife over it. The blunt force of the knife and the grinding action of the large salt crystals will turn the garlic into a uniform, oily paste that can be mixed.
3. Scoop out the flesh of the avocados (reserve the pits), turn it into an adequately large bowl, and mash with a fork. Incorporate the garlic paste and - here's the other PK secret ingredient - a teaspoon or so of olive oil for each avocado. I know, I'm adding fat to avocados, but trust me, it adds depth the to the flavor, and makes for an incomparable textures. And it's the good fat!
4. Squeeze in the lime to taste (hard to say on quantities, as limes vary so much, but I'd guess a half to one teaspoon of juice per fruit) and then gently mix in the desired proportions of the various condiments and season with salt and freshly cracked pepper, tasting as you go. (You'll need more salt than you think. Really. Don't go to all this bother to prepare and eat a bowl of pure fat and then skimp on seasoning.) Add the tomatoes after you've got an otherwise finished product to avoid breaking them up. 
5. Garnish with the pits from the avocados, some slices of lime, maybe a whole chile, and a sprig of cilantro. An earthenware or wooden bowl would be ideal, but anything non-reactive will do, it's just aesthetics at that point.